Four for Four
by Cynthia C. Muchnick
I am a lucky, busy, and exhausted mother of four healthy humans: one college graduate, one in college, and two in high school. I have cultivated a special relationship with each of my kids that has spanned their lives. I know that I am blessed.
I am fortunate to have been married for twenty-seven years to an amazing partner. We met as young, bright-eyed college students who both came from loving families and parents with long marriages that we desperately wanted to emulate. We committed to always rooting for each other and made vows to be teammates and cheerleaders for life. In all honesty, though, it has not always been a rosy journey.
Parenting and building a life together is hard, even when you have a lot in common and both believe that you are on the same page. Parenting styles, individual upbringings and biases, gender differences, and not always seeing eye to eye all feed into how we parent. But through thick and thin, the two of us have given parenting our all and made our job as committed parents and partners a priority. It has been a long, emotional, crazy roller coaster raising our four kids, but we are both equally big believers that what you put into parenting, you get out in spades.
Fortunately, we like to spend time with our kids, and it seems as though — even through Covid — they like to be with us too, for the most part. Of course, as all parents know, no two children are exactly alike, and we recognize that each of our kids is uniquely individual with his or her own birth order, individual circumstances, style, passions, quirks, and communication preferences.
Some are chipper in the morning, while others are grumbly and moody. Some fill us in on every single detail of life, while others are less effusive. But, through their early years as each one learned to walk, talk, ride a two-wheeler, run, and grow; through report cards, braces, sports teams, doctor’s appointments, extracurricular activities, skinned knees, broken bones, and concussions; through their broken hearts, social dilemmas, and hurt feelings, my husband and I have both tried to be there for them as cheerleaders, supporters, and consultants.
And, yes, we do tag-team often, which has helped a lot! When one of us is on our last legs or nearly giving up, the other often swoops in for the save.
What parenting lessons have we learned along the way? From trial and error, reading parenting books, attending parent education events, and talking with friends in our village, we discovered that every kids’ need does not need to be met, every disappointment is not necessarily a bad thing, and mistakes and failures are crucial experiences in learning to grow.
How our kids move forward from each of these teaches them essential life skills of grit, resilience, self-advocacy, and perseverance. Taking the long view helps us as parents to focus less on the moment-to-moment, worry less about what may feel like big deals at the time, and know that in the end things will usually all work themselves out.
And we have also learned through the years the damage that can be done to our kids by our micromanaging and fixing, so we have made the effort to pivot from trying to control and instead to just listen, ask good questions, consult and be there for them when they falter but not save them every time. And, of course, the mama bear/papa bear in us all, and the fierce, unconditional love that we have for each of them doesn’t make these painful parts or self-restraint any easier. But we try.
We also know that usually, at any given time, the odds of all of our kids being in balance and with no major issues are stacked against us due to the sheer quantity of kids in our family: on any given day, one of our four kids might be in some sort of pain or need. (And no disrespect if you are reading this as a parent of one, two, or three kids; any number is challenging, and you only really know best to parent the number of kids that you do have.)
In our family, as in others, I imagine, there is always at least one “weak link” that the majority of our parenting energy ends up focusing on, trying to be there in healthy and supportive ways as listeners, empathizers, and when asked, assistant problem solvers. Sometimes they come to me for things they think I will better be able to consult; other times, they go to my husband for their concerns. Sometimes they come to us both. . . but in the end, we partner as we parent. Dual perspectives, as hard as they may sometimes be, always help us get through parenting with thoughtfulness and purpose. And yes, we make a lot of mistakes, too. It’s very humbling.
We have come to give our parenting experiences an at-home rating system. When all things are going smoothly for every kid — a relative rarity — we are “four for four.” When we are four for four, we breathe easier, savor the sweet spot, and try not to wait for the other shoe to drop. But just the other day, we hit a particularly rough patch when we were only “one for four.” That day was a doozy. Our college son had a frustrating situation that put him into a tailspin; our high schooler had a rough road of medical concerns that kept us up at night; our other teen had an emotionally challenging week at school. (Thankfully, that day it was smooth sailing for our post-collegiate son, so his balance prevented us from being zero for four!)
That painful “one for four” night, my husband and I went to bed hurting for three of our four kids. We tossed and turned, cried some tears, strategized, and ultimately decided that time and space were our only solution. Each of our kids just had to move through their difficult situations, knowing we were there for them but that we could not completely take away or fix their pain. And as much as we wanted to, our parent compass, the community of parent friends we admire, and the lessons we learned from parenting books along the way taught us that we should not fix. Being one for four didn’t feel good at all. (Although, one week prior, when we were three for four, our oldest happened to be in emotional turmoil! So, win some, lose some!)
So what is the point of sharing all of these parenting observations? We cherish it when it is four for four. We savor it. We relish it. We embrace and appreciate it. But before we leave for a family vacation or outing, those rare times when our full half dozen can all travel together, my husband usually gives our (now almost grown) kids the same pep talk: “It has taken a lot of time, effort, and planning to bring this trip and all of our busy lives and moving parts together. We don’t get to do this very often, but let’s try to just enjoy this special time we do have together. Let’s be kind to each other, allow each other our own space to decompress, but when we come together, let’s make an effort to not push one another’s buttons and enjoy being our half-dozen.”
Four for four isn’t always easy to come by, but when we sometimes magically do, we sincerely appreciate the sweet spot when that beautiful equilibrium is achieved. We sleep well at night knowing our kids are in check, and we are all, for the time being, in sync.
About the author:
Cynthia Clumeck Muchnick is the author of several educational books for students and parents, including The Parent Compass: Navigating Your Teen’s Wellness and Academic Journey in Today’s Competitive World (Familius/Workman/Hachette, 2020).
She has worked in college admissions, as an educational consultant, and as a high school teacher. She speaks professionally to parents, students, teachers, and businesses on topics such as study skills, the adolescent journey, college admission, and the parent compass movement. She is thrilled to have finally written her own children’s book, too, that arrives in the spring of 2024. She resides in Northern California with her two teens, husband, and dog, Sprinkle. Her two grown kids have left the nest and now live on the East Coast.
You can learn more about her on her website: www.cynthiamuchnick.com.
